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Hold Me In

The skies look different tonight as I search them to find a glimpse of you in each cloud, in the wild blue yonder. There is a mist that covers my eyes and a brook that catches droplets from my skin. I walk along the banks, but the whispers in the water are drowned by the wind in my soul. The mountains rise above me and each tree reminds me of my growth and my strength, but the fallen leaves remind me of our yesterdays, the newness of the Spring leaves hold my hope tightly to it.

There are gardens of wildflowers my bare feet step gingerly in, full of buds and blooms, and I listen to what they tell me, but no longer do the petals of my soul fall open and no longer do I plant myself. I trust not the earth that holds me up. I am cautious and evasive and guarded like the small fish that dart in and out of the sunlight. I seek the warmth and then my fears tumble out and they rush past me, over the rocks and through the brush and I am stilled by their reminder, and once again the shadows are my refuge.

My heart does not still, it moves  around the hallways and rooms of my spirit, it searches for you there. The windows of my soul are darkened and the hours of twilight are full of hauntings. I listen for your voice and read words that turn to dust, it is that silent roaming, that ghost, the past, that holds me in.

My feet fall again on the road that leads me home, and along its path appears memory after memory. I am with you, I am holding your hand, I am smiling, I am …alone… I see life happening all around me and yet I cannot live without you by my side. I gather up the splinters of what is and walk on, I  pick up the pieces you left me in and believe again…that one day, I will softly touch your face, that I will once again open, that the door that I lock behind me will lock behind you too.

 

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