The moments alone, with my thoughts and feelings, I swim deep in myself and the reality of life. I have lifted my spirit to a place where acceptance and belief in what will be, will be. I’ve pondered life changes and I look around me and see that I am content. I have always been one to be a people pleaser, from my children, to my jobs, to my relationships, and never gave prudence to what I wanted. I find myself doing that more and more lately and contemplating everything I do on a deeper level. It’s hard to shift gears and sometimes I fall into the same behaviours because it is my comfort zone, but when I do open myself to gather up my feelings and realities for myself, there’s a peace in me that has made this shift more viable than losing myself in fantasies, or in others.
I feel selfish at times because I want a life, I want it to include love, and happiness, and peace, and to be self assured to the point that my needs are met in a way that moves me forward. I have lived in chaos and confusion and being unsure for too long. I have separated myself from that little by little. I feel comfortable for the first time in my own skin and comfortable with the life I have. I look around me and all that I see, is a part of me; but the change is that the only thing that consumes my heart is love…not proving myself..not being what I’m not..this strength has been formed on the back of some really hard struggles and some really hard choices and some really hard times, all of which I made it through. The fires of life really do purify your spirit if you let them. I have let them.
I fight the need to act sometimes because it’s just easier not to, but more important to me now, is the need to fulfilled. Past behaviours can be a road block for anyone, I have to choose every day of my life, what’s left of it, to do what’s right to make it the best possible that it can be. I am amazed at the fight I have in me, and the ability to find my strength when it is failing, I am coming into my own..and it feels incredible. I love myself now and the people who are in my life, I find purpose in, not definition…I define myself…and it has made my heart, my soul, my spirit and my mind readied for what will come. What’s meant to be, will always find its way..true..but how we deal with what comes..determines our failures or successes…I refuse to fail myself.