lesbian romance · Uncategorized

Control WHAT???

Why is it that when people know that you’re vulnerable and sensitive that it’s like you’re wearing a sign that says “it’s okay to hurt me”…”it’s okay to toy with me” or “it’s okay to lie and cheat and use my trust as a hot air balloon for your ego”?

She is worn down from the emotional battles in her heart. Her chest holds in the tears she fights. Her throat closes and she is silenced. She wonders if she will make it through another day without giving up. She hears and sees all the sweet metaphors, and once in a while they touch her for a moment. She is trying to stand but the falls have left her wounded and tries to believe but her trust has been broken over and over. She fights to breathe but she feels like life has kicked the hell out of her.

A few words on a page, a few too many hours alone, she reads the..get up..she reads the do something..she reads..don’t give up. She sees that old adage..you control your life..sometimes she even feels she does..but then the rug is ripped out of under her just to prove she doesn’t have control over anything.

When you’re too sensitive, when every part of who you are and the life you live effects everything you want, or don’t…sometimes you get so overwhelmed with “feeling” everything that you just break apart..break down..want to shut it out. It’s like one moment you feel like every wish has been granted..every hope is real..every dream will come true..and you look away and look back and they have vanished. Why don’t you do something about it..turn your life around..think positive..?? What is positive about being hurt?..what is positive about trying again and again, only to fail..what is positive about being lied to, or being settled for, or being a pawn, or having your life crumble before your eyes..tell me how you control that..tell me how to be heartless..tell me how to feed my own ego..tell me how to lie..and cheat..and use..and deceive..tell me, because I guess that’s how you stay in control of shit in your life..ruthlessness..I never learned how…

She is beautiful and full of life, gentle and tender and gives to the point that every cell is spent in her. She is true and faithful and honest and up front…IT controls her..she wishes it didn’t..she wishes she “could” separate her feelings from that word..control..maybe then she “could” be in control …could play the games people play…she wants the instructions..but she knows she would never read them..she knows she is all heart..and it’s all she “knows”…

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