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My Haven..

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You catch my eye even from miles away, I can’t help but look at you, can’t help looking back. I breathe in your cologne and sleep in your shirt, I see your eyes and feel your body, you are on this side of the line I draw, even when I change myself, there you are. 

I began this journey with you with so much feeling, your words and your emotions and your care and your love brought me out more and more. I love your mind, the things you’ve made me see, feel, learn, that came from that place inside of you that never seems to quiet. I am stilled by thoughts of you even though we have been apart for so long, I can still go to that place in me, I still get lost in thoughts of you, I still search you out…my haven.

This past year has been full of me trying to find my place, my heart, my identity and it’s been such a battleground of emotions. I found myself clinging, I found myself to be unsure of my surroundings and my power and my femininity..I felt as if my insides were a tangled mesh of uncertainty..I wasn’t sate, I was grasping, trying to breathe but living without the air I needed to rise up again. I looked in all those safe places, fell into a surreal way of thinking, lost control of knowing who I was and where I was in my life. I don’t know what preceded those feelings or what made them into monsters that I slept and woke with, but I never want to be there again.

It took forever for me to still myself. It was a battle and more than once I felt so defeated. I kept myself in a guarded place and pushed against doors that I would have flung open in the past. I was afraid to be myself, to be that immovable optimist, that dreamy romantic femme, to put a voice to my feelings…to do and go and be where I wanted to be. I am an extreme sensitive..and the pain, it was overwhelming to me, my heart has shattered a million times with no comfort and no one to turn to, I was forced to turn inward. I chose the hard road, the one where I would shut down my emotions at times and go cold. I would cry myself to sleep and wake up angry at myself for emotions that I wanted to push away..but they were not moving, spilling over into everything I did..everything. I reached my bottom, and then fell through it to a really dark place..losing sight of my worth and losing you and losing my mind seemed to all happen at once and I had to fight my way back..it was a battle I almost surrendered to, but there you were..again..pushing me up, reminding me of the peace, reminding me of what is good, reminding me of ..love.. one so powerful that it made me fight…

Now, I want you to fight..we’ve both been through it..we’ve both had extreme emotions, we’ve both had to fight our way back so many times. I believe in you and I feel for you and I want you to heal, to be at peace, to find that place in you again..fight!!!

You make me think, you make me believe, YOU make me know it’s worth everything. Words are only words..but believe me when I say that you are an incredible woman with a beautiful spirit..that light in you never ceases to amaze me..it is one I will fight to keep in my life..

I sleep with your pillow tucked into my heart. I close my eyes and I am laying against your shoulder. I fall asleep with dreams that I feel will manifest in our lives. I focus and I can feel your skin against mine, your leg coming across me, our arms folded into one another. I feel your breath on my neck as you lift my hair and kiss me, as you playfully bite my back…I feel you with me, even when you are miles away…you are always with me..sweet dreams Baby…meet you there..ImageImageImage

…I love you

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