These last few years haven’t been what I call my finest moments, I feel as though I am fermenting while I wait for things to change. I know, they say you have to get up and change things~they, whoever they are~and I am beginning to think that “they” are right.
I have a moment here, because when I do get up from here, things are going to look different and I am going to change. I have been in a stalemate, not by my own results, but that have kept me locked into a storm that never seems to cease within me.
I am a romantic, a dreamer, somewhat of a procrastinator, and an endless optimist. I look around at others and see that the most basic of my needs and wants are up on a dusty shelf, while I hold on, “they” have lives. But what am I holding onto? A vague and elusive torment that I pour my heart and soul into., a quiet and voiceless, and choiceless torture that I endure for hope. A past that never moves into the future. I am treading in the waters of life, sometimes wishing I would just drown and other times I think I see the shore, but then it disappears. I am the sun going down with a promise of rising, but the dawn never breaks in me.
My persona has changed. I was once spicy and full of life and searching and finding my way with such ease. I was witty and full of comebacks and swimming with all my might to the shore. I stood proud over my own kingdom, providing “myself “with the nourishment that my spirit needed, now I am anorexic and starving, lost in a sea so full of waves that I am overwhelmed and pulled under by my own fears. I balk at the thought of losing, or giving in, and it’s that dread of the unknown, of believing, retrieving, that holds me back. I need and want but can’t seem to reach that place in me to get up and do something about it.
I am at the edge and looking over the cliffs below me, do I dive in and chance everything..or do I stand and just look at the beautiful view and accept it for what it is…maybe I will just climb down the face and see what happens…something has to happen!