I don’t need anyone to define me-I am the definition. I used to worry about how I was looked at and was so cautious that I almost lost myself in being redefined and it pushed me to the limit. I have had a metamorphosis lately and I see people in my life walking away because I have begun to speak my mind about what I want for myself…the change in me is from the inside out and wow, do I see a difference. That’s always been my problem, I made sure to put my primary focus on everyone’s needs but my own and to do and act a certain way as to not rock their little boats..no one is used to me making waves..no one is used to me voicing my needs..no one is used to me flipping the boat and jumping out and swimming toward my shore..splish splash!! I am done with being in the background and know I am worth more than that, to myself, if no one else. I can deal with almost anything that comes my way and have, but when you start questioning if you are ever going to have a life, you have to be the answer, nothing and no one makes your life worth it but you…and hell yeah! I am worth it! I am very spiritual and am affected deeply by emotions but when the emotions become negative and the actions become hurtful and the opinions negate who you are, you can either take it and feel worthless or you can stand up and walk away with your integrity. I am way too cocky to take it..I may have bowed down to the whims of loves in my life in the past to preserve my relationships but fuck if it didn’t piss me off finally…tonight, after so much soul searching these last few months and the push and pull of my conscious thoughts and the movement into myself and the realization that no one makes me but me, I am the author of my life.
I struggled with who I’d become to please others, there’s really only one place that I surrender and become submissive and that is when I make love to whomever my lover is…but there is also a dominance in that…because I feel a deeper connection when I can look into my love’s eyes and draw them to me spiritually…it is my submission that is dominating. I don’t mind being there because it’s important to me that my lover knows the feeling of taking while being taken.
Anyway, I’ve found some wonderful guidance and have increased the positive thinking, the creative visualization, the spiritual cleansing, and am learning how to fully meditate and silence the world around me. I feel stronger every day and today, it was as if I had such a light fill me and after being so shut down for so long…I am loving the feeling of being free from a darkness that was self induced. I rock! my OWN world 🙂