Our characters aren’t defined by what others can see, but by what we do in the dark.
I define my character as being one that operates on integrity, the truth, loyalty, and the knowledge that where I am in my life, what I feel with my heart, the thoughts that are in my mind, the spirituality that moves me, is born from love, I am an open book to those who take the time to read me, to understand me. I forgive easily, the burden of unforgiveness is too heavy a load for me to carry. I don’t live in search of tormenting anyone who has wronged me because I know they live within their own torments. I pull the good from trials and tests and understand that growing can be painful at times. I have no desire to harm, hurt, judge, control, anyone. I have fallen, I have held onto the painfulness in my life not as a conscious effort but subconsciously and the poison of it has come into play with my relationships.
I have struggled with this since I was very young. I look back now and it is more than evident that losing the innocence of being a child and being thrust into an adult world by those I should have been able to trust to love me, to care for me, to be there in that part of my life to nurture me, wasn’t to be and its effect has bore fruits that withered and died inside of me. I never realized the cause and affect, I didn’t recognize that I had allowed the power of being validated was put on everyone but myself. My life was lived always seeking reassurance, always wanting to matter to someone, always within the confines of what made people react to my needs and feelings and secret doubts.
Recently, I came face to face with what I buried in me. The lies I told myself were in front of me and my realization of painful memories that had caused my tender spirit to break under their weight. I swallowed a hard pill and its effect on me has changed me from the inside out. In a moment of suffering and feeling fear and doubting myself once again,
I was brought to it. I had been bound up and torn apart and the injuries at times were almost more than I could bear. I validated myself through others because I never had felt valid. As a child, I wondered often about my worth. I fought hard to create a picture of who I was through keeping my grades high, through being submissive to my family, through being the good girl, but even then, my only comfort was from the spiritual realm.
The abuse I suffered, I believed was because I was worthless, even though I tried so hard to prove I was worth something, the pain and hurt I couldn’t comprehend was pushed down. I took it with me, burdened others because of it, I searched them for my worth because I was unable to find it in me. I begged God, let me feel valid, let her show me that I am, and no answer came.
I began looking inside of me, hearing the accuser, but this time was different. I had been brought to this so many times in my life, but to face my fears wasn’t an option for me, I would instead blame everything on the outside of me and push again until the feelings were safely hidden. I guess nothing had ever meant enough to me to validate myself, I never felt the desire nor the strength until the moment that she made me see. I was always the beggar and the pauper and the victim, my own neediness had always let me excuse away my behaviors to myself.
I wept and was driven to the edge of madness and the mirror stood in front of me, I would lift my eyes and there I was, in a melt down. I fought against the fears when it was my own spirit that held the weapons that I used against my validity and I felt sure that I would die from the strikes, but suddenly a calm filled me, a love filled me, the emotions flooded me. I saw the connection, I SAW the connection, the trash I had poured on myself wasn’t mine to hold..it had seemed harder to do than it was…sometimes you just have to face truths and release it and the battle is won.
Sometimes you live with your pain, your unsurety, your demons, and you let them wiin. I was victimized as a child, felt less than, as a young woman, felt torn from myself as a grown woman. I have worked hard all my life to be..just be who I am..but the torments have always won the battle. I looked at myself, and here I am, on the last leg of my journey, and I had to call myself out and see that what I held onto was chaining me and what I had let define me was from tremendous hurt and anguish. I wanted so to be daddy’s little girl, but instead, I became his sexual release, I wanted to be my mother’s wonderful daughter, but instead became her whipping post to release her frustrations, I had never been appreciated for the incredibly bright precocious child I was, no matter how much of a good girl I was, I paid for their perversions and hatred, I lost myself in pain. I hid myself away, and only when I was alone, did I feel any peace.
My Great Grandmother and my Grandmother were the people I looked to for meaning growing up, thankfully they were amazing women and showed me how to be one too. I allowed myself to be closed in, I made myself almost invisible because of abusive relationships, I continued on that path for years, always wanting to be acknowledged once I had lost the both of them. I fell into a deep pit and followed societal wishes and feared degradation of my character from my family if I came out to them. I finally opened up, it was my approaching 40th birthday and it was the catalyst that sent me on this journey to find myself again but I still held onto being validated because of the past, I had no idea it was there or how it truly affected, infected, my relationships going forward.
I am now 53 years old, and I recently put myself once again in the place where validation came into play, but was forced to see that no one can validate, no matter how much you love and respect them, can do that for you, you have to do that for yourself. I was angry, I questioned everything, I acted out, cried, pleaded, and yup, it got me nowhere but standing alone…it was an incredibly painful part of my journey but one that forced its consequence back upon me and one that through days of sheer panic and fear, I finally came to terms with and calmed and surrendered myself to. It was a realization that has cleansed me, that has moved my spirit, that has broken and healed me at once, and I am so grateful to her for taking me there and making me see…I am…and I matter…and I love..myself…no validation required! Thank you…