Life teaches in the most profound ways sometimes. A single comment, a thought can change a dynamic of a relationship.
My hardest lesson by far, in my life, has been to learn to appreciate freedom, to not chain yourself to a concept, or expectations, or anything that reigns in who you are and who you want to be and where you want life to lead you.
The dynamic between people can have a deep end or a shallow end, when you begin to get to know some, they may start out in the shallow end, or they may choose the deep end, but either way, there is a certain dynamic that is created and how we feed our relationships makes them grow or diminish.
I tend toward the deep end and work my way through finding the areas that are shallow and sometimes, I work my way around them, but sometimes I jump in and the whole river is disturbed by the ripples, it doesn’t mean that anyone is right or wrong, it just means I have become comfortable enough to give my thoughts a voice. I’m sorry if it rocks your world a little sometimes but what would life be without the ripples…?
I say things to get a reaction, to see what I mean to someone, to understand and to pull things from them that may be buried, or exposed, I say things off the cuff, sometimes that some may take wrong, sometimes I’m sarcastic, sometimes I let them in, sometimes I let them go, but either way I voice things, it speaks to them and I watch for their reaction. I am always caught off guard when my intentions aren’t being perceived as I would like them to be, but I guess you’d have to be in my mind to get the full perception. Sometimes things I speak don’t come out in the way that I intended, and sometimes being apologetic can either open the door for discussion or slams it, sometimes I have to just step back, but usually, I fall over that damn rock behind me and land on my ass and wonder where I stand, don’t get me wrong, because eventually I will, it may take some floundering before I do, but I do.
I don’t know how to handle miscommunication when the one I am trying to communicate with withdraws. I talk things through, I believe in speaking what I feel, and dealing with whatever comes from it. I expect nothing less from the people I choose to associate my life and surroundings with.
We all have different concepts of life, and just because we voice them, whether off the cuff or in intimate surroundings, sweetly or sarcastically, however we voice things, we try to feel our way to another. We all have obstacles that need to be negotiated, and the only thing I’ve found non-productive to finding the way, is silence. Silence is not an opinion, it’s not a form of communication, it’s the only obstacle that can be hurtful and disrespectful and is unequivocally confusing.
I don’t expect you..or anyone..to agree with what I feel when I voice it. I don’t expect for you to respond in a way that coddles me or makes me feel good, but in any situation, being hurtful isn’t how I would answer anyone and in the same breath, neither do I want to be hurt. It’s okay for us to disagree or agree on anything, and if I mean anything to you..consideration is definitely the best option. I consider everyone’s feelings, but I also know that I’m not everyone, that reactions come in all forms, and being considerate isn’t something you learn, it’s something that you are…
I have some deep and very meaningful relationships in my life, ones I wouldn’t tear apart for anything. I love who I love, and even if we aren’t in agreement about every aspect of the way we live or think, I still respect and consider, and appreciate what and who you are and what you mean to me…maybe I do have one expectation…to be treated in the same way. If there were one way to live in this world, it would be for me, to live without angst, without pain, without hurt, and to live trying to understand everything about who I love and care for, and I guess that’s because I don’t want anyone to ever feel or not feel that from me…