beauty · forever love · hurting · lesbian love · life lessons · spiritual awakening · Uncategorized

The Cure and The Poison

chain me

As I get older, and I am getting older, and God, I hope wiser, I’ve felt myself coming into my own more and more. I have always been an emotionally driven woman from any arena that is taking place in my life. I have been cocky, and shy, outspoken and closed lipped, jealous, angry, hurt, happy, in love, spoiled, used, driven, lazy, broken, whole, innocent, naive, in other words, I’ve been the cure and the poison in my life. 

It’s been a journey from hell and from heaven, learning and acknowledging my faults and my gifts. I have never felt the need to control my emotional well-being in the past, and it was only during this last year and a half that I have begun to realize that controlling yourself can be very productive to your own psyche. I had, in the past, allowed myself to be encompassed in the religion of self-deprecation when it came to emotions, I had no desire to teach myself, self-control, and would roll with whatever I felt at the moment, in the minute, in the second, and because of that, I’ve caused myself heartaches as well as good, but the point being is that I allowed myself to be emotionally controlled, manipulated by emotions and it has caused as much turmoil as it has good, if not more.

I can say that when I look back over this year and a half, that the biggest walls were the ones that were the most invisible ones and that step by step, I’ve been able to open my heart and my mind, which the latter of which was an accomplishment and a BIG one for me. I learned the depths that love can go to ( loving deeply and completely, unconditionally) but also saw in myself the strength of emotions that came full force and this is where I started my journey of realizing self-control or controlling the urges that random and meaningless thoughts can impose upon your mind and emotions, and, that poison your relationships or bring them what is good.

Like I said in the beginning, I “allowed” my emotions to be my master and because of that, there came epiphanies that I suppose one can only learn through living and experiences and realizations about ones own life.

rain-hands

 

For me, jealousy has always been an issue, whether it be romantically or within other dynamics. I would justify it with the simplicity that if you love someone, it’s only natural to be jealous of that certain relationship when it comes to outside influences. I would defend it, allow it, even provoke it to levels that would be construed as obsessive and controlling and hurtful because I ran with it and reacted and enacted, and acted as if I had every right. This past year and a half have been filled with moments that if..and yes I’m going to say it, I could turn back time, I would. It’s not because I could then vindicate myself, but because of the effect that it had on, and this is the epiphany, ..my “self”. Yes, it would be easy to say the effect that it had on others, and of course I would take that away too, but it’s taught me..and I’m not an easy student, that what it affects most, is that inner being, that spirit, that soul, whatever you may choose to call your conscious or your unconscious mind, heart, feelings..and disrupts your own peace, never mind those who have to deal with negativity.

I never looked at myself as being out of my mind when it came to feelings, but in retrospection, I did make myself crazy with emotions. I am sure I have made others crazy with them too, in fact know I have, but lessons learned, and I can say with full confidence that choosing to become in control of my emotions has been a life changing experience.

To my surprise, the very fact that you can control your emotions is new territory for me. I have explored reasoning, decisions, past experiences, present experiences and found that emotions are demanding. I have found that they can demand your time, your thoughts, your reactions, your cause and effect on relationships, and negative thoughts and emotions are the “most” demanding because just like positive emotions can be enabling and have good effects on your physical being, negative emotions can be debilitating and have bad effects on you physically. I realize, in saying this, that there are medical conditions, depression, physiological, chemical imbalances that cause conditions also, but from a purely emotional level is where “I”, for myself, am speaking from and of.

I still feel emotions, don’t get me wrong, and I’m still working on the reactions, but I can say, and with utmost relief that I have more of a compass on what they make me feel and the effect that they have on my persona and personal space and the people who have to deal with them. If I ran with just the emotions and didn’t use my logical mind and composure to control and overcome, I wouldn’t feel this incredible peace I feel about my world and those in it now, and for once in my life, it doesn’t seem tumultuous and I don’t feel owned by what I feel, I own it.

lover96

‘We can’t control what happens around us, but we can control how we react to it.’

I choose to react in a rational and in control manner and have seen that it has the most positive effects on others and my relationships with them, and on myself, as it has given me freedom from constraints and ideals that had kept me in places that I didn’t to be prisoner to, locked up by things I didn’t “want” to control me and at the same time, it has had the opposite effect, as far as the positive it has been replaced with. I’m no longer lingering waiting for someone or something to make me feel happy, feel assured, feel loved…I like feeling “that” for and about my “self” and when I do feel it for others or from others, it is from the view of being completely complete with myself and is an amazing and uplifting experience…not encumbered by uncontrolled emotional overlays that could or would steal it away.

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