There’s a fine line, sometimes fractured, but never broken between strength, and surrender, between aggression, and submission, that I cross and retreat from and cross again. Specific to me, I am very gentle and tender, softness and submission are what my inner core is made of. On the outside, I am femme, with all the bells and whistles. I enjoy being feminine, long nails, long hair, body fitting jeans, skirts, dresses, curls and polish, sneakers and heels, sweet and sassy, very seldom argumentative but opinionated and suggestive. I enjoy taking care of my butch partner and find nothing wrong in being there for her needs and wants as often as I am able. I also enjoy that she puts forth the effort to show appreciation for what I do and what she does for me in kind. It is a balance that has been in the works for five, going on six years. We now know one another so well that it is a well oiled wheel that we keep oiled. This is our love story.
I met you online, I was scanning through profiles on Myspace and there you were. I was attracted to your smile and your physicality and the intelligence I read in the words that you had written. I sent you a friend request and you accepted and that began our animated and passionate and humor filled conversations. It was winter, I was living and working in Rhode Island, and we finally met after a couple of months of talking online. I got to the hotel first, then realized I had forgotten something to sleep in, and rushed out to nearby stores and bought a lace and silk gown. I went back to the hotel and was so nervous that I was in a complete sweat, so I showered and was dressing when you knocked on the door. My heart leapt to my throat as I hurried to complete my outfit and throw on some mascara and lipstick, leaving you waiting in your car and then finally I made it to the door. I stepped back and you walked through, I never believed in love at first sight, never, but when you took my hands in yours and pushed them behind me and pulled me to you and kissed me, I thought I’d melt into a puddle on the floor. You wore a black leather jacket, fringe on the sleeves, a button down shirt and jeans with harley boots, I thought you were sexy online but you blew me away in person. You brought in your overnight bag, set up your computer, we had small talk and then you asked me if I’d like to go to dinner. I said yes, of course. I put on a black chiffon short sleeved cowl necked shirt, skinny jeans and gray suede high heeled boots and you offered your long sleeved jean shirt to keep me keep me warm. The kicker was that you also invited my youngest daughter and her boyfriend and paid for a room for them and also invited them to dinner, I was really impressed with you wanting to meet part of my family. We went to a restaurant right near the hotel that night, had a wonderful meal, and a couple of drinks. I never had so much pride walking into somewhere with anyone. Your chivalry was impeccable, from opening the door of the car, to opening the door of the restaurant, to your hand in the small of my back as we walked in. I was in heaven I thought. Later that night, I went to the bathroom and bathed and put on my silk nightgown and slid into the bed beside you. I was so nervous and excited and somehow you made it all go away. Your words calmed me, you told me I looked beautiful, and that famous RAWR that you use to make me feel like I’m the sexiest woman on earth. You slowly made love to me, knowing I was self conscious and beside myself with you..and the funny thing is, I never had to say a word, you just knew that I was a little overwhelmed and you did everything to pull me to you and then you made love to me, if I describe it as fireworks, it just doesn’t do justice to where you took me. All our conversations, day, night, the middle of the night, I felt close to you already, but our first night together was amazing. The morning came, and with it, your computer and phone and shushing me because your girlfriend was calling, reading the newspaper, coffee and breakfast, and then a day trip to Fall River where we took pictures of us together, remember the wind, the seagulls skimming the water, the laughter and fun we shared?, it was a beautiful day, I had fallen for you, but you were taken. I didn’t care, I had so many feelings…and misgivings at the same time, but I believed you when you told me that your relationship was strained and about to end. I was head over heels and could do nothing but fall deeper in love with you every time we found time to be together. It was a year of back and forth, love and jealousy, surety and unsurety, but it never changed what you were to me, my one, my love, my lover, and I didn’t care how long it took to be the one, for you. I came close, you asked me to come, to move in to your condo, and I drove those miles to bring my things, but you weren’t committed to us then, you were still stuck in the past and when the past called, you called and told me that she was coming back and I was out, we broke it off, again. We didn’t talk for a while, I was so hurt and so confused, and felt so torn apart, I don’t think I’ve ever felt so much sadness that I had to let you go. But time passed, and it wasn’t long and we were talking again. You told me, ‘I can’t be without you in my life’, little did you know that you were always there and an hour didn’t pass that I didn’t want you in mine.
Year two, we spoke every day, long and seemingly endless conversations, we never wanted to let each other go and so we talked into the night and early morning. We sent pictures, wrote to each other, and then I got hurt at work, collected workman’s comp and decided to move. Things were rocky in your relationship but we had decided to stay friends and I became your sounding board for a while, but through it all, never gave up on us being together. I moved away, to Virginia, it was impulsive but I felt like I had to put distance between us if I were to find any peace of mind, but it never came, I loved you from afar, and longed for you to be in my life. We deepened our friendship and stood by each other, helping, comforting, laughing, loving, it never ended for us, we were constant and now we were each other’s best friend. I pulled myself away and accepted that you were unsure of everything in your life, your feelings, your doubts, your fears, love, want, need and I began talking to other women and had a online “relationship” with another woman, she knew you I found out, and the more we talked, the more she put you down. I was angry at first, and I cut you out of my life completely, I wanted to forget you but I couldn’t. I knew it was a jealousy thing after a while, and wasn’t prepared for the things she told me, but instead of believing her, I finally went to you. For some reason, you always came before anyone, even when I didn’t want you to, I couldn’t help but love you. The relationship ended because of the arguments about us. I realized that you had my heart, and I fought with myself to take it back, but no matter what, daily, I thought of you, missed you, wanted you and loved you every moment since we’d met.
Year three, she left again, you became depressed, sad and broken. I listened to you and watched you as you struggled to come to terms with it all. It broke my heart to see yours broken. I was so in love with you, but I knew you were drowning in feelings of regret, and hurt, and falling apart inside, and all I could do was stand by you and try to lift you. I didn’t push but I always ended our conversations with, ‘I love you”, but you never heard it the way I meant for you to. We finally came to the decision that you would move to Virginia and we would try things out.You were detached though, and I was needing something that you couldn’t give. I felt left out most of the time, but there was still that connection and when we made love, I could feel the power of it, the depth was in your eyes, but you had a battle going on in your life that I couldn’t fight, so I surrendered and you walked away, it was painful to see so much love in your eyes and to know that you were letting me go, but somehow I knew that you needed to be in a much different place than I could take you. That day I had to work, remember, I was so filled with love for you and it was hardest thing to watch you leave. I jumped into a relationship almost as soon as you drove away on your bike, leaving me and Nola, I held her and cried into the night but I was determined this time to let you and my love for you go…and so she came when I asked.
Year four, I remember the moment you drove up in the Uhaul when you came back to get your things. That moment when our eyes met and we were both almost moved to tears but we smiled and hugged. My new girl was there, she came and sat on the porch and I went and sat at her feet with my head in her lap, she stroked my hair, not knowing the pain I was in, she didn’t see the tears roll down my cheeks, or feel the loss that filled my whole being..in that moment I wanted to disappear, make you hurt, flaunt her, fall in love with her, let you go… She filled that emptiness, and I did fall in love with her, and I thought that I had finally found a way to move on but it wasn’t meant to be, I found out she was a player and a thief and she totally lost every bit of respect that I had for her. I was devastated by you leaving and devastated by her, I only left my bed to go to work and then back to my bed I would go, I cried, and cried, and felt worthless and so alone. My kids begged me to get up, tried so hard to fix me, but I hadn’t an ounce of strength to even lift my head when I came back to that empty house, empty heart, every night. This went on for a couple of months, my depression wouldn’t lift, I didn’t want to talk to or see anyone, there was a missing piece…and it was you. The girls would threaten to call you, knowing that you would make me get up and out, but I would become hysterical when they would and they would concede just to calm me. I didn’t want you to know how lost and weak I had become. Finally, you began calling me again, and finally I felt like I could stand again and it wasn’t that you were coming back, it was the kind words, and you telling me what I meant to you. We talked about the one you left me for, the volatile relationship, the days went by and you made up your mind to go back to Maine, but she refused to go. For months after you were back home, she used your feelings to manipulate you and it angered me to no end and I know more than once, I cautioned you against her, not to win you back, but to make you see her game. You had other women in your life too, it was too much for me to wrap my mind around…I was in love with you and I stood back and watched, we argued, my feelings spilling out all over the place and again we walked away from each other…but you were on my mind always.
I met another woman, she was from Utah, and we talked and laughed and she was deep and loving and attentive and she would send me flowers for no reason, write me, send me cards, and I thought she was amazing. We talked for months and then decided that she would move into my house. It was golden when we met, and I honestly fell in love with her, everything seemed to be perfect, but little did I know that they were far from perfect, she had claimed her addiction to alcohol and claimed sobriety for two years, and I believed her. The first couple of months were filled with romance and she asked me to marry her and I said yes…but, yes another but, she started to change, she questioned me about you, accused me of being unfaithful, which we both know isn’t the case, and finally asked me if I loved you, I said yes and I know it hurt her, and it ate at her and she insisted that I let you go, it was her or you, I told her I would never stop talking to you, that you were my best friend, but I did back off just to appease her. It didn’t take long after she was there that I suspected she was drinking and it wasn’t social, it became more and more evident until it was downright shitfaced drunk, arguments, fights that became physical, she broke my ribs and my foot and it only escalated from the ‘I’m sorry’ to a final drunk where I had to go looking for her and found her in the center of town falling down, crying, broken and mean, I didn’t know what to do but to get her home. I walked her back to my house where things got totally out of control, her fighting to leave, her being on probation in Utah, them not knowing she was with me in Virginia, so I tried to stop her from going out in public. She raised her hands to me and my daughter, who was pregnant, came to my defense and knocked her on her ass. We called police who removed her from my home and she called her mother who sent her money to head back to Utah, she called me from the train and told me she was going home but that she loved me and didn’t want to lose me, I told her to get sober and left it at that. I had reached out to you during this time, and you were livid that she had put her hands on me, you tried to convince me to cut her out of my life, but I was too timid and believed I had the power to change her if I showed her I cared. Yeah, that didn’t work, and it finally came to a head and fell apart…but you were there to lift me up. I guess at the time, where we were, in our own relationship, you were the one healing me once again.
Year five, we’ve been talking for a while and decide again to try a relationship. I move from Virginia to Maine, we had some amazing moments, did some really fun things, laughed and shared and loved. You had told me before I came that you were talking to a woman in Florida, and I really wanted you to sort out your feelings before I made the trip but I felt like I could trust that you wanted me there and we would work out, but those feelings kept cropping up and finally you made plans to go and see what you felt for her. I sat here, watched as the pictures were posted of your trip and couldn’t handle it. I had made you go, but I didn’t think that it would bother me because I was sure of us and when I faced it and saw that, I just broke. I ordered a plane ticket online and when you returned, I left, going back to Virginia. I basically gave up on a relationship, thinking I’d just live my life as happily as I could as a spinster…and then Utah called…I’m sober, I’m working as a manager in Walmart, I want you back, I love you and want to try again, I want you to be my wife. I was stunned, wanting a life and needing to be acknowledged, loved, needed, and so I agreed to try again, long distance until I was sure she was sober and she was for a while. But then she called me, admitted to drinking, and I insisted she go into rehab, she went into rehab, found a counselor, was sticking with it..I always believe the best in people. I told her that I was there for her, but that we couldn’t be together if she was drinking and she promised she wouldn’t. She is an amazing, intelligent, loving woman..sober. She was sober for a while, and I stayed with her. I didn’t have that trust in her but my loneliness drove me to rethink our relationship.Then, I got that call, the drunk one, the confessional one, she told me that she had cheated on me and laid with another woman. I know some of you don’t know me personally, but ever since I was young, I had promised myself that I’d never stay with a cheater, I’ve never broken that promise to myself, no matter how much I loved the person I was with, it is one thing that I don’t, won’t tolerate if we are in a relationship that is monogamous. I told her in that moment..I’m done, it’s over and walked away.
Year six, I hadn’t talked to you in about three months, and then again, we were talking…you’ve always been honest with me..even if it tore me to shreds, and I never lost the feelings that you aroused in me and the moment I heard your voice again, all of that love poured back into the places I had emptied in me. I’ve come to the point that I’m no longer timid in voicing what I want and need and even though we’ve been down one long ass road, I thank you for the strength you gave me when I was weak. The confidence I got from realizing my worth. The power of a love that has been through a fire and been purified. The knowledge that we both finally see that we’ve never left one another. The breaths we took only served to grow us into this amazing connection, this undying love, this truth that no one comes close to where we’ve been, what we’ve been through, what we are now, in this moment, in this forever…because I’ll never stop loving you, you’ve taken me places, taught me things, brought me back, breathed life into me, summoned this fire, and are the constant in a constellation that is ever new and changing…you are and I am and our life is…I love you endlessly, with every part of me, and if ever there was a fairytale love, you are it for me, well, maybe a novel, but I think the ending is going to be happily ever after…my Ang..el, you will always know where I stand…right by you..