I have a comfort zone, it is somewhere between interaction and silence, sometimes the extremes of both sides can be mistook, as me, being wedged into nonconformity and at the other end, refusing to communicate. As for me, the expression of opinions on the one hand and introspection on the other is where I come from, being very soulful, I tend to live mostly from the heart and have woven myself somewhere in the middle of these two opposing ends spiritually as well as trying hard to stay in the present.
Although I may appear as complicated, what I am made of, are, experiences that have changed me, from a vine that needs foreign ground to stand, to being the vine that produces fruit and plants itself. Trials, intense love, compassion and wanting to feel the nuances of passion, and this constant yearning for peaceful existence is hard to achieve because it isn’t a quiet place, but one that pulls me in all different kinds of directions. Though I am gentle by nature, like positive input, want individuality that doesn’t assume duality, I do try to look beneath masks and other circumstances to understand anyone I come in contact with, but I won’t renovate myself in order to accomplish that end and it is frustrating if I can’t make that point .
I make an attempt always to listen, hear, think of and about what is being said and then respond, but I’ve found this to be untrue of many. For someone to be thinking of what their point is, what they’re trying to convey and speaking over me or interrupting my thoughts to be the one who is understood, or right, and who doesn’t consider, hear or care what my point of view is, upsets me internally; being unheard for so many years has made me build myself up to the point where I will either BE heard, or I will shut down because I feel it isn’t important enough to another, to understand, where my heart takes me.
I used to do total makeovers, and have been known to back down rather than stand my ground, but with age has come the ability to realize, for myself, that inside of me are amazing qualities that I have hidden behind the curtain instead of shining a spotlight on them instead of playing out a fantasy for someone else. I detest judgemental pushy attitudes and will rebel against attempts that try to remold who I’ve become. I am very generous with feelings, can speak in complete thoughts, am able to function in a way that I have had to teach myself, for the survival of self, I’m good with the opinion I have of myself.
There has been an incredible metamorphosis that has occurred for me, more now than ever before. It isn’t an easy task to rise above people who intentionally try to micromanage your life with demands, guilt, defensiveness, lies, abuse, and come out the other end of those changes whole and able. For me not to be heard, to be talked over, to be misunderstood, to be controlled or intentionally made to feel that what I feel is not valid, makes me crazy to the point of tears at times, anger other times and this is when I tend to one side of the spectrum of who I am, or the other, seemingly extreme and dramatic to others, but for me, it is neither. I am who I AM.
If it is proportionate to the way I view myself, life, or beliefs, it is unequivocally respectful when I am allowed to make a point, be myself, have my own views, beliefs, wants, needs, and I CAN consider opposing sides of my own opinion but if it negatively affects me in those ways, and I am made to feel less than, I view it as a form of disrespect and find myself feeling as if I am being pushed into a corner and although standing in the corner was a good part of my life, I’m no longer a child. I have found that I haven’t lost the rebellious side of my nature, and when sent to the corner now, I’m more than likely to step over the line and make it a point to let “whoever” know that I’m right there in the middle of the room with them. It must be a shock to some, but I’ve found it to be a comfortable and fulfilling place to let myself go and have become confident in allowing myself to be who I am, whether or not it conforms to who others think I should be or what I should feel. Being in someone else’s shoes is impossible, but trying to understand their positions, isn’t.
I used to be shattered. I used to be mousy. I used to be quiet and unassuming. I used to think that if I could please you, it would somehow make me a better person, be viewed as valid. I used to make excuses for bad behavior, for defiance, for disrespectful people. I found after so long, doing those things, that when I sat with myself, I didn’t know myself, but through the eyes and opinions of others. I still find at times I regress, digress, to avoid choppy waters but then, I am still in the process of becoming or rather coming back from a shadowy nonexistent being.
In life, you can either go with flow and it carries who you are away with it, or you can pour your own soul into it and swim the wild and exciting rapids, I choose the rapids because I want to find myself at the end of this journey feeling and being a conscious, loving, tender, gentle, deep, spiritually and soulfully challenged woman who is satisfied with the outcome and where I end up.
I’m not complicated, and simple things, kindnesses, caring, means so much more to me than being unravelled and poked and prodded. I’m not hard to figure out if you listen. I’m easy to please, and don’t have a judgemental bone in me even if what you do isn’t the same as what I would do, but I believe in communicating and sharing. I have learned so much and have changed so much in my life because I know how to listen and consider.
I’m selfless in a lot of ways that fall on the good side of the good and evil spectrum. I also have faults, and those were made a long time ago. Regenerating those areas to come into line with who I am now is like being on a battleground where I fight with ghosts from my past, to see and be present with the soldiers I have around me, and the angels who have touched me, and the trust that was stolen is slowly breathing its life back into me and reminding me that in it is a treasure…so if I fall into that pattern of thought once in a while, of confusing insecurities..just know that climbing out of that grave has been hard, that the past is being buried one moment at a time, and if you choose to stand with me, you will see me reach that incredible milestone, I feel it fill me most of the time, can see what a treasure it is to be able to trust, to know, to be..but you also have the choice to walk on by..either way, …I will reach that place of peace because it is so important to me.