I figured by the time I was the age I am now that I would have no more wondering left, that I would pretty much be in a place that I knew everything about myself. I have learned more about myself in the past couple of years than I ever knew and I’m still learning and still questioning and there is a wonderful wonder in it all.
I’ve been passive more than not in the past, and optimism was always in the forefront of any situation that I found myself in. I’ve been forgiving and understanding, yes that’s the list I had in my head…oh, and my shyness was a difficult thing to overcome, finding my voice was another, but I find myself realizing where all that got me…there’s so many footprints across my heart and there comes a time to either just lay there and let others create your life for you, or get up, shake off the dirt and create it for yourself. I had overdosed on being a pushover, had turned a blind eye to wrongs done to me, had shirked off any responsibility for the woman that I’d become, it’s pretty easy to allow yourself to give in if you’re not naturally a fighter…but I think, now, how tragic it is that I let over a half of century go by before I woke up. I don’t mean just a realization but how much life I should have lived and where I might be today, but how much of myself I cut away. I’m determined to pick up those pieces with the time I have left and make a difference…to ME.
What if it’s only today? I have started to look at the present, how much time is wasted, how I swam around in that pool, I could have drowned. I made myself crazy trying to please you, and why, now is the question. Did you even see the lengths I have gone, the times I became almost a nonentity to hold you up, to be your backbone. The time that I put into doing big and small things because I wanted you to see beyond yourself, but my voice wasn’t heard. Sometimes it was like I wasn’t even talking, was I that invisible to you, just a sounding board, my words held no meaning, I’m glad I could hear myself. I know you see and feel the difference in me…yes, I’m up on my feet and if I have to scream for you to hear me, I will.
I am far from self centered, but I have taken back everything, that was taken from me. I have grown a backbone vertebrae by vertebrae and today when I look in the mirror, I see a strength and beauty, and I am…worth it. I know you didn’t watch me grow, you didn’t watch me take my first breath, but you were there for the breaking, you were there for the tears, you were there…difficult as it was, and I’m sorry, you grew up, with me. I really thought there was time, thought it would never end, but I have lived on the bottom for so long and it was only because I dove there, and I’m afraid, I have to admit that, to resurface. It may have been a defensive move, a fear of being beautiful, a fear of love, a fear of hurt, a fear that nothing lasts, I don’t know, but all of those things were like being buried under a bed of rocks and I just let you throw more on top of me but for the first time, I’m clawing my way out, spirit first.
I began this journey, it wasn’t that long ago. I stood for the first time when I was 39 years old. It’s been a long haul. I’ve slipped back into the same patterns more than I haven’t over the last decade and a half, but I was jaded and had a misconception of what it meant to love, be loved, trust, understand, have your own needs and wants, your OWN life…but here I am at 55 years old and it’s been a truly inspirational moment, to see parts of myself have life breathed back into them, to demand that you hear me and if you can’t or you won’t, it won’t make me any less than, I think of myself, you see I stand a little taller than you now, I have found the way to the mountain top and I’ll be damned if you push me off the edge.
I suppose in retrospect, we all create our own personal hells, and we fight our own personal battles, and if I could turn back the clock and take back anything, I wouldn’t take back a thing. I suppose we all have our own ways of dealing with life but I won’t be barely hanging on ever again. I guess for me, and I say for me because maybe you can’t see where I come from, it’s all in the way we perceive ourselves, what we allow into our hearts and to touch our spirit, that points us in a direction. I’ve had times where I laid in bed for months, not wanting to deal with the outside of me, and I never want it to ever get that far again. It’s so easy to shut out the world and just hold your own opinion, your own attitudes, slip away from living, but there’s so many consequences in doing that.
I’ve found a love for myself, but I have also found a love for those who are in or come into my world, and for me it was as if I flipped a switch from being numb and disconnected and the ignorance of how that affected others to being in touch with my feelings, giving my voice a voice, giving my heart the chance to be broken but also the chance to heal from being broken. It doesn’t matter where this road is leading, I won’t look that far ahead, I don’t want to predict the future and I don’t want to live in the past, there’s nothing in either place. What’s become important to me is that I feel live today…maybe that’s all I have.
So life, YES I AM talking to you…hear me or not…