I am obsessed with people watching, people analyzing, and I was sitting here thinking how many people I know who are self centered, but then THAT got me thinking..aren’t we all? I don’t think I ever thought of myself as self centered, self serving, self anything…the perfect martyr in every way. After closer examination, I digress to a much more subtle form of being self centered. I suppose, as I look at and see the reality of it, that I have caught myself up in a web of sorts. I want to serve others, but now I find myself questioning my motives for that and what it actually affects, where my center is off center, and my spirituality is targeted and what this all means to ME, my “self”, has now come to the forefront of my thoughts and save the drama, I have quietly started to remove what I have shackled myself to. I had the key in the lock, but I never turned it to reveal what I was afraid to see, ghosts and goblins and skeletons behind that door. I had locked myself in and let all the bridges burn, it kept me safe, unassuming, unseen, but…in some way…in control.
I’ve found myself, of late, being more forthright with my feelings, more demanding of mutual respect and though I recognized disrespect in the past, I would swallow it and spit out excuses, excusing it away from anyone who did it to me, and sometimes to someone else. It was the..there must be something going on with them that they are treating me or others this way..it would sadden me but never frustrate me. I would take slights as character flaws in them, there has been no integrity in that way of thinking because I wouldn’t, couldn’t make myself respond appropriately and it has always bit me in the ass. I would forgive and forget, and honestly, I actually did. I don’t expect perfection from anyone, and I suppose that because I was convinced of my imperfection, I took it and took it and took it, but now I am riding the waves, bit and bridle in my hands. If you commented on the way I dress, or who I associate with, or made demands, or had expectations, I was the first one to bow down, trying to change myself, mask myself, until I almost forgot who I was. I had left my crown somewhere back there in time, young and naive and full of doubts about my worth, I allowed myself to be treated badly and everyone I knew, knew that. She’s a pushover, you can guilt her into anything, you can boss her around, you can make her feel like shit and she’ll smile and let it roll off of her…it pisses me off that it took me SO long to see just how much of me I gave away without being appreciated, without any gratitude for how much of myself I do give….
I have never felt truly fulfilled, or truly open, or truly honest in my interactions, reactions, because my worth came from someone needing something I could give, a sort of emotional slave to their priorities, wants, needs…I took on their guilty pleasures as a cry for help instead of the reality that if someone knows they have the upper hand and can control a situation because I’m so timid, WAS so timid, that naturally they would…and they did.
I’m not saying I’ve turned and done a 360 but I do see that I’m an actual person, I do have feelings, and I’m allowed to be myself. I am catching myself standing up to people, voicing my dislike of any kind of disrespect, expecting loyalty and honesty and gratitude for the efforts I put into “any” relationship. I guess being inertly nice, giving, respectful, doesn’t have to come with a chain and ball. Every day I read, love yourself, realize you are the universe and the universe is in you, love and treat others as you want to be loved and treated, but that doesn’t mean demeaning yourself, or losing yourself, or struggling to breathe to please someone else, it means you have worth, you are a part of this world in a positive way, and that you don’t have to leave any part of you out of that equation..because when you do…nothing will add up right.
I suppose now, I look at myself,firstly, the world, and people through new eyes. My intuition, my instincts, my attitude about “my” world “is” self centered as far as not, NOT, letting anyone run me…or it. I’m sure I’ve caught a lot of my close friends, family, partners, off guard on a few occasions, in that I have begun a new chapter, torn down many walls, found my voice, and know what “I” want and need and deserve…so falls my martyrdom, and so rises my kingdom..whew finally!
I set my own table…it’s full of truth and hope, love and faithfulness…all are welcome…but I, choose who stays. I’m in charge of how I let people treat me and see me…and I try my hardest to be the best I can be in any given moment. There’s a lot of fish in the sea…and maybe you just caught me, or thought you did, but I cast off hooks that don’t pierce me to the heart, I break lines that are shallow…I don’t like being just another fish in the sea…I’m either the catch of the day or you can take your lures and cast into the shadows, but you won’t find me there..I’m a keeper, and it’s okay if you don’t see me that way..just don’t troll and expect me to be the one who bites. I can handle that, I KNOW who I AM and what I’m made of :::splish splash::: The water is FINE!!!