There’s the pleasure and the pain, and all of it reminds me that every day has its own direction, we choose which way we go. I know I’m in charge of my own destination, but it’s not up to me to control someone else’s. I am free to come and go in and out-of-doors and close them if I choose or open them.
I had trained myself to suppress that control, handing it over, was it easier? I wasn’t weak, but I thought that if only I tried to please whoever, it would make me feel better, it didn’t. I have been through that maze of others choices and let go of my direction, my path, to follow theirs, but now I mark my territory. This is who I am and the only path is my own, easy or hard, I’m going to make my own way, my way.
I fall somewhere between dominance and submission, that comes naturally to me. I am dominating in that I want my voice heard, and my opinion to matter. I am also a loner, but there’s times that I need to be in the arms of love and know that I AM there. I have developed outlets for stress, frustration, anger, anxiety, sadness and they are ones that release me into a world that is more surreal than real, but the surreal leaks into my life and sometimes I regress, sometimes there’s progress, but always there is a kind of perfection in the way everything works.
I used to seek perfection, but now I see that no matter what is, it is perfect. My perfection.
I like the peacefulness of being reminded of who I am when I see the billions of stars, the shadow of clouds on the face of the moon, the rays of sun shooting toward the heavens at sunset. I feel a release, letting go , a kind of emptying that is the ebb of a wave churning with emotion, words, thoughts, and the flow that comes is made of pureness, calm, stillness. My spirit is lifted to a place where nothing is everything, the energy that dances in the air is love breaking against me.
Nothing is tangible, everything can change, reshape, form and break apart, it is within us that life is lived, the outward can only come from inside. This imperfection we see, the labor we go through, the ability to seek a means to an end, is in actuality perfection being born. That in itself makes me want to push with all my might the dark into the light.
There comes a time, in every life a season…where we close some doors and open others.
We choose our own roads, we create our own obstacles, we allow, give away our control, and that’s when it gets uncontrollable, it’s only when we take it back that we become whole and see the bigger picture clearer. It’s not an easy task to break habits, especially ones that have emotions attached to them, and to change from inside. I have opened up my heart to let it begin…you may not see my perfection, but I do…