So many touch our life and leave marks on it, even the subtle stranger, the unchained angel, the martyrs and the foolish of heart, the arrogant, and the soul filled; your spirit has been held in a way that no other will ever fill you in the same way as another has. The thing about that, for me, is that I took it all inside of me, those emotions became a tangled mess and I shut down.
I thought could find myself among the living and the spiritual. I was never sure why I felt as if I never quite made it to my “home”. Sometimes my mortality gets in the way of my spirit moving and the other way around. Every disappointment I had, seems to have served me well in the end, and every triumph has made me strong and made me see things in myself I had become blind to.
I look beneath my skin and have read the story over and over only to find that there is no right or wrong end to my life here. Sadly I didn’t give myself many chances to take advantage of what I felt or knew, being in a whirlwind of an ever changing landscape, I left what I needed for needs that weren’t mine.
I forgot that person and looked for me in others eyes. I forgot my spirit because I tried to drown the demons in so many others, but freedom doesn’t come when you empty your own vessel. I never saw that in myself until I saw how much time I spent chasing change when it was there inside of me. I didn’t need the outside to change, I needed the inside to change.
I can say that it caused me to pause. I kind of froze from the inside out and I had a hard time working through that. I realized I had become numb to emotion, I couldn’t find the depths I’d always known. I couldn’t trust, I couldn’t be moved, it felt like there was a boulder rolled over the opening to my soul and that somewhere far beneath, my spirit hid from the harshness that I had piled upon it.
I heard the words, I saw the world, I was living waiting to die. I felt like I could disappear into this kind of chrysalis and no one would notice or care. Even though it brought tears, I didn’t understand what that meant.
I wouldn’t acknowledge love, I had cremated hope and the darkness got darker because I had let faith and hope slip away. I went through the motions but when you lose faith in yourself, you have no hope for what is put in front of you.
It was as if feeling would only bring hurt over and over again, so I didn’t let myself go. There wasn’t a butterfly emerging from where I took myself, this chrysalis only hid me away from everything beautiful.
I lost, gave away, pushed away. There isn’t anything more painful than realizing that life is slipping away and that sometimes you don’t get a second chance.
I had to read between the lines, dig up what had been buried, and see, with new eyes, with a new heart and feel…and feeling was the hardest part.
I’ve spent a few months delving into and ripping apart the walls I had constructed. The only way to change is to change me. It isn’t as hard as I’ve always felt it was. It’s easy to say..let go..but believing in that path, following that road and actually feeling yourself letting go, it’s amazing. If I had to choose what I’d want to take with me on any journey, it wouldn’t be material things..it would be faith, hope, and the deepest love I can achieve.
For me this is how the pieces fit. I have to take the chances presented to me, even if it is fighting the tide that tries to pull me back under, to arrive where I need to be for myself. I can’t chain myself to regret. I won’t apologize for the condition you may have found me in. That silent slipping away has produced in me a craving for those wings, to soar over those ancient oceans, to see the picture as a whole, to be me, and even when it hurts.. to let it go…
We are the only ones responsible for the shackles we put in place, and we are the only ones who can free ourselves from them…