Just Let It Go

If I could see my self, I think I would be confused. I had a spirit that could be conceived as being murky and dark, detached and sometimes so deep that even I wondered at times just how long it had been around, it felt ancient. I didn’t look at myself that way but I can see that I didn’t have a nature that mingles easily with many. I’m still learning, and it still aggravates me at times that I don’t just know exactly what it is I am meant for. I suppose there are reasons that go with that but when I step back even for a moment, I feel that shaking my head thing happening. I think…a lot. I have conversations with myself, thoughts that feel as if they just continue in one long ass strand that has no end. I write and write and write…it’s a release…my demons and my angels. Just Let It Go

I feel alien, sometimes alienated, but there’s those days I manage to actually break out of the fence and run dragging the chain behind me. I have a really quick wit but I’ve become way to tamed, and I don’t know why, maybe the fear of offending, or being taken wrong, has kept me in check…or maybe it’s the myriad of emotions that I’ve experienced have had a negative connotation because there’s times now that I look and see an ice princess where there used to be a woman on fire for life, and living it. I lost my natural joy, my laughter, my funny, my peacefulness and innocence,trading it in for my poignant and at times debilitating memories. Just Let It Go

I don’t find it appealing, nor do I want to feel emotionless, but somewhere, somehow, without me being aware…which I can have a tendency toward…I began withdrawing. I’ve never been an introvert but I kind of caught myself up in a place where I could feel myself becoming happier when I was alone, a solitude which may have been where maybe I needed to be, to mend what I’d never let go of. It wasn’t a castle, but more like a fortress…staying protected felt easier than running headlong into what I saw as a pack of wolves, it’s how the world began to feel…mistrust has no windows, every door remains locked, but luckily I don’t like the confines of armor and weapons were out of the question. Some say an eye for an eye…but then there’s that saying..everyone would be blind…Just Let It Go

I’ve never been speechless, more opinionated and head strong and independent, than not, and never reliant on anyone for my happiness…then all of a sudden, I began thinking in those terms. Now I was pretty rambunctious in my younger days, a rebel, a leader, a doer, a seeker, and I’m really mad at myself for letting go of my power to hold myself up, it was always something I’d been proud of…and I thought, sure of. I have to giggle at myself though for becoming that wet blanket, who was that??? I have no fricken idea…you gotta create happy to be and find happiness…yourself. Just Let It Go

They say that people change, but I think that’s a misnomer. I think everything we do is a reaction and how we react appears as change. Who I am myself, in the core of my being, has always remained the same. There are parts that I have subdued, or allowed to show, by reaction, mine or others. Why..? Because I reigned myself in, or let go, and began trying to please the ones who I love and prove selflessness. What did it matter as long as there was peace and they had what they needed. I compromised myself and my morals and sometimes even my integrity, I compromised my happy nature, my trusting soul, my innocence, I reacted in a way that stole who I really was, leaving me standing there wondering where that  proverbial  life I’d planned on living went when I realized…hey stupid…you let it happen. I stacked up the wood…struck that match…carried the water..and set my ass on fire! Hey, a Phoenix can’t rise from the ashes unless it burns first! Someone said that, wrote it…but it rings true to me…Just Let It Go

I don’t think we learn lessons but teach ourselves lessons by how we feel out and react to the energy around us. Energy reacts to energy which then may be perceived as something changing shape, form, when in reality each energy has and keeps its own components and then mingles positively or negatively making it seem different, changed. Just Let It Go

I’ve met some amazing people who have helped me see, okay they had to pry my eyes open and glue the lids to my forehead before I got it, but I got it. I’ve also met some people that made me really wonder about creation, and sometimes it took many encounters before I realized that good intentions and moral compass aren’t something that are inheritently passed on to everyone, it’s something you either have or have not. I believe in those cases when that kind of negativity crashed into me, I imploded, and not because I couldn’t or didn’t react, but because I was naive and fragile and refused to to see that it existed or believe it couldn’t be manipulated. I thought I had the power to change negative into positive but energy is..what it is. Just Let It Go

I have grown and am growing. In the past year I have scraped away layers of muck and cleared my head and my spirit. I suddenly was awakened to the fact that my life here is finite and something wonderful happened…all the walls became sand and the sand blew on the wind and the wind calmed and there it was…a beautiful beach, and seashells holding in them good from every storm I’d been through, every wonderful moment that I loved, every hard moment I thought would never pass. I bent down and touched each one and my only thought was…thank you. Life is hard sometimes, and sometimes it feels just right, but it’s never something we should waste holding onto rocks. Each wave in our life is a movement toward our horizon, it never just stands still, moving on, forward, or just floating peacefully, it brings with it depths that can be seen clearly and felt with passion. Even when the storms come in, even when you feel as if you’re in a rip current, remember…swim sideways and don’t panic…so many times I would have had my footing..if only I had thought to put my foot down and collected the shells …but I have to

…..Just Let It Go