child abuse · Darkness · Demons · Growth · hope · Karma · Love · Strength

I Don’t Have To Think Of You!

Right in the midst of things I think of you, and I think of how you stole a part of me that I can never get back. I think of the deliberate acts of evil and the sadness you left in me. I think of how I wish I knew how to forget, how to block every memory of you. I wish you didn’t have two faces, one you showed everyone else and the one I saw. I think of all the times that I never felt safe, you took away that part of me. I think of how small and innocent I was when you began your reign of terror. I think of the feeling it gave me when I’d see you come in a room when there was no one there to help me. I think of the torment of having to live under the same roof as you. I think of how you manipulated situations just to hurt me. I think of how you changed everything about love that I thought I knew. I think about how I buried myself in so many ways trying to escape. I think of the pain of knowing, you gave me life, but then ripped it away. I think of how I ran, how I tried to end my life at eleven years old. I think of the drinking and the drugs and the tears and the emptiness I lived with for too many years. I think of feeling out of control. I think of the times you said I love you and I hated you. I think of all the things I almost did,  should have done to hurt you back. I think of how long it took me to see you for the monster you are instead of carrying that shame and blame that I grew to know so well. I think of the day I made peace with myself. I think of the last day I saw your face, and how thankful I am that I’ll never see it again. I think of the father I have now. I think of how I love being his daughter. I think of the hugs that were and are genuine. I think of the talks, and the walks, and the life he poured back into a broken little girl. I think of how blessed I am to be free of your abuse. I think of the years he has stood by me. I think of the times he has held me, like a daughter, and made it okay to let it all go. I think of how fortunate I was to be able to break ties with you and create them with him. I think of the births of my daughters. I think of the love I showed them. I think of the beautiful times we’ve shared. I think of him as their “only” grandfather. I think of the days my babies would follow him around “helping” with the chores he always did, how he played with them. I think of these days and all the nights and the months and the years that have passed, and I think of you…how pathetic, how sinful, how tormented, how perverse, how sick, and I wake up every morning thanking God…that I “don’t” have to think of you anymore.

100_5812THIS is MY DAD and MY MOM…I love you with every cell in my being! Thank you for everything you do and have done to love and heal me from the inside out, you will always be my heart!


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