I’ve been quite quiet of late, undoing some of the chaos that seems to shove my brain into a corner. I overwhelm myself with too much thought, and usually I don’t recognize that I’m doing it, I just drag myself down that road kicking and screaming inside. I think this is really the first time I’ve ever tried to free myself from it though.
I began with what really matters to me. I used to be the opposite, and wanted to matter. I looked around me and really saw how badly I wanted to be wanted, but being wanted only when it suits another, makes you into an option until the real deal comes along,comes back, or just comes, then you’re just tossed aside. Now I look and see that I don’t need that type of attention or for that matter, want it.
I need to want, but want for what is good for me. I always worried about what would be good for them, all the people in my life. I heaped things on myself worrying about this one or that one, meanwhile not thinking that I was dragging behind me things that others could care less about, wouldn’t do for me, and I decided that it was time I cut that rope of deliverance and I find myself breathing easier.
It’s a hard road when you try to be everyone’s delivery girl/boy and you don’t even get a tip or a thank you…it gets to the point that there’s expectations and they don’t care if it’s raining or you get a flat or you fall, as long as their needs are met when they want them met, yours are not even a passing thought. I did my job, I delivered…but not anymore. I’m sorry if that sounds harsh to some but guess what…I have needs too, and if I have to be the one to deliver, it’ll be to my door.
I’m made of things that parish, and letting myself die trying isn’t an option. I’m beginning to love this peaceful road. I can see so much more. I can take my time and walk as slow as I want. I can give and take as I please. I don’t need to prove I’m good, I just need to know that for myself. I am finding a contentment that comes from little things. I’m realizing that what makes me happy may not be what makes others happy, but that’s the point, I won’t keep trying to make someone else’s happiness and lose mine.
I was once wild, not in the sense of doing crazy ass shit (although there’s been times) but wild in the sense that I am exploring a more feral, instinctual, deeper place in this world. I want to be able to put aside the nonsense and go back, not in time, but to that place where I had a certain innocence and a certain knowledge that made sense.
I like being a dreamer, and a romantic, but sometimes it’s just easier being a realist. I love my optimism, and for most of my life, I had no trouble maintaining that outlook, but these last few years have driven it down into some black hole in me…but no worries, my internal flashlight just came on and I’ll find my way back. I’ve always enjoyed searching, finding new places, calmness and peacefulness, be still my soul…shine again.