I have to confess, I really haven’t been myself lately and I’ve had some pretty powerful and emotional shit going on that has made me corner the market on being a bitch. I used to look for the good in everyone…it seems lately that all I look for is the bad, pretty sad but justified, ..I think. If I’m feeling some type of way, and I have been, I know it sounds harsh, but I’ve turned the tables and really started to do what’s been done to me, kind of a karma train, and I’m the engineer. Now, you have to understand that for me to be a bitch is a huge leap…I’m not one to really f*ck with people. I’m not one to even open my mouth usually unless it’s to put some positive spin on a situation…but it never seems to matter how “good” I am or was, or how supportive, loving, loyal, and the list goes on because God knows I’ve bent over backwards, that it makes one bit of difference in the outcome. I’m just sitting there waiting for something magical to happen, some epiphany…and time after time, I’m like a wallflower, or a side dish, or the when I’m bored I’ll hit you up chick. I’ve let myself just melt into the woodwork hoping…but I’m done with that shit.
I’ve had my feelings hurt, put up with too much shit and no one should demean themselves that way. I’ve been told all my life that I do things the hard way and damned if it isn’t true. I used to shrug it off, play like it was okay, while every night I cried myself to sleep wondering if I even mattered. I didn’t agree that I did things the hard way, I was just being me, but over the years I’ve transformed or have been transformed into a what the f*ck kind of girl…slowly…because damn it was hard to see myself as anything more than a giving person and now I see how much time I’ve wasted not going after what I need. I F*CKING MATTER!
I didn’t need anyone to give back…no one had to show me compassion. I didn’t want anyone to see me as weak, no one had to return feelings. Mine didn’t matter as long as I “looked” good in others eyes, I didn’t need to express my hurt or even acknowledge I was, I didn’t need empathy. I realize now that I became a sheep for wolves…funny how when you are fighting for your life, the fear that drives you can actually save you. Now I’m the wolf…
The past year has been eye opening. I never realized just how manipulative people can be when they think your feelings can be manipulated at the drop of a hat. I see now that that knowledge can lead people to think of you as sub human and whenever it’s in their own interest and it benefits them, they use it. I admit I was too soft to fight back feelings, and too ready to forgive those that used them. I never guarded my heart because I never felt I needed to. I always had this fairytale going on in my mind that someday my world would be perfect and I’d have friends and family and a home and everything I needed to sustain a wonderful life…HA! I have closed THAT book. I’ve become that knight in shining armor for myself, and a part of me may still believe she’s out there, but I’m just not willing to sit back looking longingly into the forest…there’s just too many things there that are shadier than the trees. I have carved the initials into my chest and one by one they are all learning that I am a force to be reckoned with.
I know somewhere deep inside that she still exists, and maybe there will be another fairytale..but for now, I’m writing a novel of pleasure turned to pain..is it right? Maybe not..probably not..but it’s too late..you can only be held in the tower for so long before you let down your hair and climb out! I will build a fire and dance around it. I will waken from years of sleep. I will bite back if I’ve been bitten. I won’t play by any rules but my own…I think I can, I think I can…choo choooo…better hope you’re not the track I’m on! Karma’s a bitch, and I’m the queen…you may have been the cause and the effect..but now I’ll be the effect from the cause..it’s gonna be a ride..but I guarantee that MY fairytale will come true! …just as soon as I untangle myself from this hair..or someone untangles me ~~where’s my horse??? 🙂