Who~ A 56 year old, going on 57 here shortly, woman.
What~ Very intuitive, empathetic, trying to stay in the lines, but finding intriguing, crossing the lines, and tuning into what true joy is, she is always drawn back by history, her history, she feels complicated.
Where~ She is in a strange place, withdrawn at times, but not in a bad way, more a silence painted with contemplation and realization of truths. This place, like a mind cave, began as a clearing, unfurnished, quiet, a cul-de-sac where she has begun rebuilding.
When~ When do you say, enough, and go back to reality, do what makes you happy? It was now, she had decided it had to be now.
Why~ She felt as if she was becoming numb, there was no joy in her. She was angry, but why? Instead of doing what was normal, she just let it go. She didn’t want to fight her demons, she wanted to banish them, it set her free.
How~ She had always held on, tightly, to every sight, sound, picture, misconceptions that she had to feel it all. It was like being drowned until all there was, was sleep, she was numb. She made a conscious decision to waken, to seek what lifted her out of that mire of thoughts that constantly battled inside her mind. She could either choose death, or life, literally. She chose life. She had to make herself look at things in a different way. She had to put in new definitions, she had to define what mattered, rewrite the dictionary in her mind. She had to find a way back to love, forcing herself daily to choose it over the anger. It felt abrasive at first, being present, not natural, it was work to love, she had become accustomed to revelling in that martyrdom. She’d allowed her control to be taken, but it felt good to take it back. Letting go of anything, isn’t easy. It’s not a physical act, you can’t just throw it in the trash and it’s gone…but…you don’t have to hold onto it, letting go needs to be done in a conscious manner. To hold onto the negative is like putting yourself behind bars, letting yourself free is the realization that you were holding the key in your hand the whole time. It’s as complicated and as simple as that…>click<