Butch Femme · change · faith · Feeling · Growth · Light · Love · passion · respect · spiritual · Uncategorized

There They Are

It wasn’t because of anything, but because of so many things that I felt were keeping me from growing. I didn’t feel differently about anyone in my life, I just felt differently about myself. 

I knew the options, I knew change would change everything but I knew I had to become comfortable in my own skin. I am sure it confused, angered, disappointed, hurt quite a few people. It wasn’t my intention, but I, for once, had to respect myself enough to allow myself to feel what I felt. I didn’t feel as though I could explain it well enough that I could make anyone understand. I stood alone for the first time in years…

Now loneliness was something I had fought with, but this felt different. If you’ve ever gotten to a place where the stress level in your life is just too much, and you’ve just shattered inside…and after you shattered, there was this calm, a knowing, then you’ve felt what I’ve felt. 

I found myself clinging to everything…and I mean everything…especially my past. I had high hopes and dreams but the reality was that that is just what they were. There was something lost, something that made me feel like I wasn’t complete… It wasn’t because of anyone…but it was something inside of me that I knew had broken, and I intended to fix it.

You can only believe what you tell yourself and I kept telling myself that I wasn’t worth it…something changed the inside of me feeling that way. I had to be worth it, to myself. Too many nights I cried myself to sleep, or woke crying, I felt I had no control over my life. I felt like I had become invisible. I don’t know when I drifted so far from being me. 

I felt like I’d built this giant wall. I felt disconnected. I’m not one to fall apart, I’m usually pretty resilient..but this closed in feeling kept haunting me, taunting me to act. I felt as if I had no choice because inside I felt compromised. I’m not a dark person, and I’m not all light either.

I knew there were parts of me that had worn away, my humor, my laughter, my silly nature, my sass, my sexiness, my heart had fallen into monotony…one day looked like the next..I can’t stand for that. I won’t let my roar become a purr….I’m outspoken, and I’d held back for too long. I waited and waited for something that never came to fruition…and believe me I planted seed after seed, only to see the bloom fall off.

I couldn’t keep allowing heartache and want to lead me down a road I’ve walked…I don’t know how many times now… there comes a time when there’s just too many weeds in the garden. I had no choice but to clean it out. I couldn’t see where it would lead after that, but I won’t compromise when it comes to love. I had to love myself enough to walk without fences, without conditions, obstacles, settling. Although I knew it wasn’t me settling, being in that situation made me see that people don’t all of a sudden decide that you’re the best choice…I’m not a choice.

I’m a passionate, loyal, considerate, loving, soulful, woman with fire and needs, and I want to be desired, longed for, missed when I’m gone. I want to feel that same passion from whoever I am with..because I’m not an option…options you can opt out of…I want forever…I want strength, character, honesty, compassion, empathy, someone who won’t choose giving up…that will always choose me over anything. I fight…and there’s too many battles in me to give up…and there’s nothing that tells you more than someone who doesn’t fight for you..you have to learn that you can’t fight for something that isn’t there..or is, only when it’s convenient…last time I checked I wasn’t just a convenience…

So, the last couple of months have been interesting. I’ve overcome this feeling in me  that I have nothing solid. I really had to go back to ground zero and crack open that shell…what a flood when I did. It wasn’t pretty, it was a storm I honestly didn’t feel I was going to get through. The choices I made clearly rocked everything in me. I felt at times I was going to lose my mind…but I didn’t…I found it. I felt like I was standing at death’s door until I felt a shower of love come over me…and I laughed at myself for every thinking that I was a lost cause…

I saw the pain, but I saw that I had let myself go. Where had I gone for so long? And why? I know why, and I just get mad when I think of all the time I’ve wasted waiting, wanting, needing,  to be “the one” … fuck that…I am the one…even if someone is blind to that.

I am “the one” to myself. I finally gave myself the recognition..kudos..pat on the back..nice try…I love with my whole heart, I’m so deep that sometimes I drown in myself, my emotions aren’t sedentary, I feel what I feel for a reason. If someone can dismiss that and not acknowledge what you’re feeling,  and they make you feel less than what you know you are, it isn’t their fault that you continue to allow it.

What you feel, who you are, your wants and needs should be just as important as the one you’re with. You can be a queen (or king) or you can keep letting yourself feel like a peasant, get up off your knees, don’t grovel for love!!! Nothing is more demeaning than letting yourself be invisible, allowing yourself to be pinned down, becoming a shell of who you know you own inside of you. And believe me when you do stand up and shake off that shit, you take back your power, you smile, you laugh, you cry, you hope, you dream again…you find..you.

The days seemed to drag, I couldn’t lift my head, I felt so alone…stagnant…

Today I feel calm, so sweet, soft, satisfied, coming into my own again. I know alot of what happened, I allowed to happen, I molded myself right into a cave…I felt frozen…I let myself become hardened, my heart to become weak, and to much time slipped through my fingers. I buried myself to grow something that was complacent, when real feelings were what I had fought for…but you can’t keep watering a dead flower and expect it to grow. I’m into this growing thing. I’m into myself..not in a conceited way, but into becoming that beautiful, funny, sarcastic, sweet, tender, deep spirit I’ve come across that is me…again.

This has been a really hard long walk for me. I know some won’t understand it. I know now that this isn’t the end, that I deserve to love myself as much as I love anyone. I thought along the way that maybe I should just end it all…but the fighter in me stood up. It was almost like the sky cracked open and I was hit with lightning and my voice became thunder..I called my soul back from the grave…listened and listened to my spirit crying out for life….then I felt that tingle in my veins, that rush in my heart, and realized that it was the most simple thing in the world to do and yet I had clung so hard and neglected myself and believed for so long that I had to be worth something to someone…but that can’t happen unless you’re worth something to yourself. 

So I found the answer…let shit go..yeah! I thought it was complicated, but the only one I was complicating was myself. I needed to find my peace, my stillness, quiet my thoughts, feel love again…and see that holding things in just peels away, layer by layer, who I am…and here I am ..57 years old..and finally I can say that I’m healing, and have so much I want to do, to say, to feel…I’m bursting with light…I hope I don’t blind anyone..but here I go again, change isn’t bad…the people in your life that really love you will watch and understand, the ones who care will know what is happening and why…just keep your hand tethered to hope, your dreams on a kite string, your heart filled with truth, your dignity intact, don’t give your power away…

Everyone has miracles in their lives….everyone is capable of creating miracles…just believe in yourself..let it all go..the things that hold you down..chains break, dark is scattered by light..close your eyes, do you see..do you feel it..always be true to yourself and others…your life will change so much when you become..you..

So, ending this, I want despair to run from me, I want loneliness to turn to quiet and thoughtfulness.  I want laughter to dry my years, I want to be bold, and like a fire, and strong, soft, warm, in love with life…

I hope you live…and remember that nothing…nothing…is worth giving up. .let it go and you will see how peaceful you can feel…It is like being washed from the inside out…you can do it, even if you think all is lost, it isn’t…you can find your way back to love….believe me…I did…so walk through the fire, feel the flood, battle with your struggles, and then let it slip away like sand through your fingers…change can only come from you, never fear it, embrace it…embrace yourself, your beautiful spirit, your life..look around you and appreciate the miracles everywhere you look…there they are…

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