Butch Femme · Demons · faith · Feeling · forever love · Heart · lesbian blog · lesbian love · living · passion · real life · truth · Uncategorized

The Ghost In Me

lover11

She’s always going to be my deepest love. I don’t care who likes it or who doesn’t. I’ve struggled so hard watching from so far away and my fears get the best of me. I felt so torn apart, it’s too hard to watch the love of your life give other things so much power, it’s hard to face that they might take themselves away from you. I couldn’t handle that. I wasn’t strong enough to.

My heart was not only breaking but aching. I didn’t feel as if I was a priority…I sometimes felt like an after thought. I got angry, and not really at her, but at everything else that was taking away from US…

I wasn’t there to hold her, I wasn’t there to sit with her, I wasn’t the one keeping her company…it hurt. I didn’t know what to say, I didn’t know how to make her see how much it was affecting me…

I have suffered in silence and tried to be the best I could be. Out of everyone in my life, she is my breath, my heart, and walking away was the only way I knew, to cope. I couldn’t lose her…and that’s where fear stepped in. I imagined how it would be for me if I had to face that…I broke hard…nothing could ever prepare me for that…how do you face losing the one person that is everything to you…how?

I guess I thought I could make her see by speaking my mind but it didn’t work…after my rant..I didn’t hear from her…no answer, no nothing…then I waited, it wasn’t easy, and it wasn’t without so many nights of wanting her, wanting to hear her voice, laying here in tears…we weren’t broken, we have always reached out to each other…it was the hardest thing in the world for me to not to..I wanted to..I wanted her to hear the sadness in my heart but I’m sure it didn’t come across like I thought it would and I don’t know how to change that..fear

We  talked through messenger last night…after weeks of that feeling I get when I think of her, like a fire lights in my stomach…

I cried afterwards, it was a release because no matter what she chooses, I can’t walk away from how I’ve always felt..because I will always love that woman and there’s nothing that will ever change that…She’s doing great. I’m not going to lose her to her demons…I can’t lose her…wherever this takes us, it takes us…she will always be who she is and who she’s always been to me, sometimes I wish I could crack her open and she’d pour  out that heart she has…and sometimes I have seen it so clearly but then she is afraid…fear has no place in this…even though I allowed it to break me…there’s never going to be anyone who completes me more…and I can’t be without her…

whatever happens beyond this..she knows, I know she knows…

 

 

 

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