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In The Wind..

fb_img_1463979956761.jpgThis thing called life, twists and turns, I never know what to expect and I guess that can be good and not so good at times.

I’m kind of running full tilt lately. I’ve taken on the responsibility of caring for my parents and trying to fit myself in somewhere. There’s been some very trying times with my own children and grandchildren.. Sometimes it seems daunting but then I look at all the love I have and it erases and eases the tension of trying to keep up.

I’ve really been pushing myself alot these last few months. I’m trying hard to make the best of things. I’m struggling with balance. I have made alot of changes in order to make my parents feel as though they have someone they can depend on and am dealing with having to give up the luxury of my freedom to do as I please to make life easier for them. 

I’m also in a new relationship and have put some into shock with my choices but like they say, you can’t help who you fall for. I definitely couldn’t help falling for him. He is very forgiving in that he accepts that I have responsibility and children and grandchildren..and ailing parents..    I spend whatever time I can with him but it’s a far cry from the time I would like to spend. He has lifted me up so many times without even seeing what he is doing. I really had shut down emotionally. I didn’t feel the walls I’d built until he began pushing through them. Still now I’m trying come to grips with how closed off I feel, not knowing I was, and the feeling of being ripped open… He reads me so well that it’s scary.. Literally.

I’ve also been dealing with emotional issues with my youngest child.. Now 26.. And a recent suicide attempt. I feel like I missed the signs and am on high alert to her emotional state now constantly. She suffers from mental illness, has two children, and became unstable because her husband couldn’t deal with how her meds were affecting her so she took herself off them at his suggestion , doctors knew less than he did… Being her mom, I made my own suggestions to him.. And may have threatened his life if  he tweeked her meds again… She was on life support for four days and we almost lost her. She is stable now, taking her meds as ordered and I’m watchful of her every move… Not that I can stop her if she is determined but hopefully my preventative measures will catch her when I see s her starting to fall again…

My oldest daughter has also had  issues with a drug addiction to pain meds that escalated into more than just pain meds…I wonder sometimes if doctirs pay attention to their patients and how often they prescribed things that could become a problem.. It’s no wonder that there are so many addicts.

On a good note though, it seems as if life is a little calmer and I’ve been putting myself into my  gardens and the more simple side trying to get myself back on track.. I’ve suffered through some things that I couldn’t put a handle on for a while and experienced some losses that I’ll never understand but I suppose  that I  have to see what’s good in order to accomplish getting back up and moving forward..I try to be a consistent optimist but there are days when I question why things go the way they do… But who am I but me and that’s all I can be.. Accepted or not.. Pessimism isn’t strong enough to hold me down for long.. I’ll be okay.. I’ve lived a thousand lifetimes and I’m sure this won’t be the end of that but I’ll deal.. I got this.. Most of the time anyway.. Have a beautiful day and keep your heart soft.. You never know who needs to be understood

 

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